Part 6: Confession Of Lessons In Perspective

I've written a lot of things, and indeed they come from my heart and from His inspiration. But this one is very hard for me and because of His urging to share it, also necessary. Most of it was actually written some time ago before I knew that there was purpose in its' writing. It speaks of my own posture before my Lord and my own past struggles with my flesh. But it also speaks of perspective and the difference that can exist between how we see things and the reality we ultimately live in before our God. It gives evidence of the beginning of my own adjustment to, and quest for, His perspective. So in humility, I submit this very personal glimpse of my life and hope that you'll understand that I'm just as human as any, and in the hope that you'll see that there are multiple lessons to be learned in this one snapshot of my past life. I am nothing, but grateful for His mercy. This is but a fragment of where my understanding of the existence of His perspective comes from...

I was sitting on the back deck of my house with my morning coffee and was greeting the Lord early in the morning as is my usual daily custom. I had spent my first waking moments of this day listening to a lesson on TV from a sister in Christ that I have come to appreciate very much. Afterward, I went out and sat down to greet our Father in the new day and was thinking about the message she had given when a rather striking thought came to me.

For months I had commiserated over an experience that had cost me dearly in terms of finances. It, I thought, had started the financial downfall of my house and helped to land me deeply in debt that I was now unable to repay. I had been praying earnestly for the Lord to help me out of the financial mess that I was in and was feeling deeply hurt to have been used by someone that claimed to know our Lord. I was a building contractor and had worked in construction for many years. The Lord had blessed me with talents and knowledge over time to be able to bless others. I was grateful to have the ability to bring relief and blessing to others through these gifts as I toiled to do my part to support my family. But this person had taken deep advantage of the talents the Lord had given me and was very strategic and usurious in his dealings with me. I knew at the time that he was doing it, but because of the circumstances surrounding the situation at the time, I was without much choice to do anything but to appeal to his sense of fairness. Still, at every occasion, instead of feeling that I was dealt with fairly, I felt spitefully used and the receiver of his attitude of self interest.

It's important to note that as I entered the project that brought me to deal with him so closely, that I had previously made and allowed decisions to be made in my own house that left us in a precarious financial situation. Though I knew the Lord and had known Him for many years, I was not living a financial life based on the biblical principles our Lord instructed and had let my house become subject to demands of the world based on a life of debt. If we wanted something, we bought it with every intention of paying for it over time. We had become worldly consumers living out our desires by means of credit and had set ourselves up for a devastating fall. We were not in obedience to His instruction and the outcome was predictable.

I had worked very hard in my own heart to be forgiving of this man that I felt used by. When the young men that worked for me sought ways to wreak vengeance on him, I made it clear to them that they were to continue to give only their best and that it was not their place to try to avenge me. Still, I felt deeply hurt as I watched everything that I worked so hard to build in terms of my business crumble in front of me and I had to be vigilant against the urgings of the enemy to dwell on this man as someone who deserved to be punished and suffer the wrath of our Lord for his dealings with me. I felt for reasons I couldn't explain at the time, that it was not my place to attempt to judge what was in his heart. I knew what I could expect to see from him and took care to guard myself in continued dealings with him. But I could not possibly know what was going on privately between him and our Father God. Only the Lord God Himself knew and I felt strongly in my heart, the need to be careful regarding what I thought about him. But I didn't completely understand why.

It was on this fine morning sitting on our deck some months later, as I sought the comfort of my Lord's presence ... that He let me have it right where it hurts ... and set me straight. I was mulling over my situation for the ten thousandth time when He asked me the questions that left me somewhat bewildered and laid me lower than a legless ant's belly: "Child, what if it was my plan from long ago to use the gifts I have given you to bless this man and His family? And... what if the reason you suffer now, is because you failed to prepare according to my plan by living in obedience to what I instructed you long ago? Do you expect me to change my plans just because you chose to be disobedient?" I was blown away! I hadn't even, in my many musings, begun to consider this as a possibility. But here it was ... the truth. I knew now that it wasn't this man's fault that I suffered, but mine. It was the Lord's intentioned plan all along to bless this man and had I been faithful to His teaching, I would have been in much better position to allow our Lord to use me as He had planned. I was face to face with my own sin as the source of my pain.

I strove for many years to deal with everyone fairly and out of a good heart, both in my personal life and in business, so I felt certain that the Lord would bless me in my ventures. But I had missed something. I was in submission to our Fathers teachings in some things, but had ignored others and thereby tied the hands that would bless me. The lessons He would teach me from this situation were very painful and consequently, will not be forgotten. Because of my choice to ignore the teachings He had provide me in my youth in the book of Proverbs, I was now paying dearly. I had been blessed as a young man to find great interest in the wisdom of this great book of His word and had read it extensively. I studied it in depth and had stored away it's teachings in my heart. He had provided it to me to keep me from the very situation I now faced and I was beginning to learn why. I had lived devoutly in my life by most of what He taught me from this book of wisdom, but had failed to observe His wisdom regarding debt.

Of course, looking back now, I can clearly see the wisdom of my Father's teaching. But like so many children, I had to learn the value of it by my failure to heed it. Like so many, I cried when I felt the sting of my failure and appealed to my Father for help. I immediately came to a definite point of heartfelt repentance and admitted my failure. In asking for His forgiveness, I was sure that I would now find relief from the price that loomed over me. But as I walked with my head hung in shame, constantly appealing for relief, I began to realize that I was learning many other things at the same time in more depth than than I could have foreseen. It was just like the loving heart of our Father to use one occasion, one situation that I had brought on myself, to lovingly teach me so many things that would prosper my heart.

So of course there was more to come! Next, our Father continued and patiently pointed out that I had allowed this thing, this business to become so important in my life that it became an offense to Him. As the business began to suffer, I began pouring my every waking minute into it. I began working from dark to dark seven days a week for months on end, without taking a day off. I gave it everything ... which left very little to offer either my Lord, or my family. I allowed it to take priority over Him and He resented it along with the loss of my fellowship. It seemed like everything I could devise to begin to restore it somehow foundered. It wasn't for lack of experience or knowledge. I had been successfully at the forefront of other construction companies. I had been the general manager of a much larger company than this and had honed my skills in most all of the related trades to a keen edge. So why??? ... now, I understood ... and now I stood corrected. But not before I lost what I held up to His offense.

He's told us in advance that He's a jealous God and that we shouldn't set anything above Him in priority. If we put such emphasis on anything it becomes like an idol. Without realizing it, I spent more effort and more time on that company than I did on my relationship with Him. He didn't create me to love a company. He created me to love Him. So He removed it from between us. Not because He's mad at me, but because He's madly in love with me.

Oh, ... but of course, ... there was more!!! Faithful to never leave a job unfinished, He continued to mold and shape my heart to corrected form. He now brought revelation to my mind to explain something seemingly catastrophic that had happened earlier. By it, armed with this new understanding rendered by His Holy Spirit, I was now to be forever changed even further. My physical health, strength, and endurance are things that I've always taken great pride in. I've always been strong and my physical capacity for work has at times been legendary. My crew called me “The Machine” and one of my employers once told me that he loved it when I worked on his jobs because I did the work of 3 men. I took tremendous pride in these things. But in just a very few minutes our God reminded me just how weak and vulnerable I really am on my own. He quickly pointed out that I have never done any good thing alone. He has always been my strength and my provision and I wasn't giving Him the glory for it.

So, it was in the middle of all of this financial mess that I had a stroke. Actually, I suffered 3 small strokes simultaneously. In just a few minutes time the entire left side of my body went completely limp and useless. Our gracious Heavenly Father restored me to full function in a matter of hours. But as I lay crumpled on the ground in a pile on the construction site I was working on, unable to control my body, my mind was racing. Our Lord blessed me in that a Christian brother was right there with me, praying and holding me while I lay there helpless in the dirt. But in this moment of human weakness and panic, I frantically cried out to my Father God “Papa God, why this too? Why this on top of all of the other things that are coming against me now. Why must I face this too?” We all have moments like this, “days of rain”, in the course of our lives when we cry out in uncertainty and confusion. Sometimes some of us even wondering if we'll live or die. In any case not knowing or understanding why these things happen. But He's taught me to know over a lifetime that He has reason and purpose in everything He allows in our lives and that there had to be a purpose in this too. I didn't always see it that way. I didn't understand that He's always looking at the bigger picture for our good like any good parent would do and that the earthly things that we tend to focus on really don't have meaning to Him. Nothing's impossible to Him. What does matter to Him is who we become and the character of our hearts and minds.

Now I've been standing in the rain for months. Over two years actually. Not always standing, sometimes on my knees, and at times on my face before Him. But always grateful for His forgiveness, thanking Him for His provision, His strength, protection and for His mercy. I don't know where He'll take me next. I feel that maybe He's changing the direction of my life. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know where he's leading me, or what I'm to do next. I don't even know what He's waiting for. Maybe He's waiting for someone or something else to respond to His leading. Maybe He's just waiting for the fullness of this correction to sink a little deeper into my heart. But whatever the case, I'm not afraid because I know that even as I wait, He holds my hand and I'm forgiven.

For now, I work a job that pays little and in which I don't find much to be proud of. But during this time, it's so important to note that He's sustained us. In the eyes of the world I have no hope. But my hope is in my Father and His loving hand. I have heard Him, repented and been changed by the work of His hand through the rain He's allowed in my life and I know that the growth is on me now. So now, I'm waiting obediently for the restoration that I know He'll bring. I know this because He's promised it to me and I do not doubt the word of my Father. I know that He's not angry with me. He made sure I knew this by telling a brother when he saw me one day, that “this is my son.” There is no higher complement to be found in the universe than for my Heavenly Father to call me His own. Even so, I will admit that there are times as I wait, when the enemy of my soul still tries to stir up fear and doubt about Father Gods' promise of restoration and the abundance to come. But loving Father that He is, He reminded me through a word of knowledge to another since that He has me in the palm of His hand. So I will not be afraid Abba Father, for there's no safer place to be.

There have been times in my life when I was afraid of the Lord's hand. I knew that it might bring rain - times of painful growth and change. That I might lose something I held dear or face yet another mountain to climb. I realize now that I've never had anything to lose that He didn't allow or give, and that it's by His endless strength and His hand holding me that I've been able to climb the mountains of my life. I welcome His hand now because He's used the rain to wash my eyes to see clearly who He is and to see that He corrects me because of His love for me. Because He loves my heart and delights in the man that He's teaching me to be ... just like any good father would.

So now I say my Lord, today and forever from this day, I won't fear your hand in my life. I will trust you and remember who you are to me, and who I am to you. As I wait for your hand to mark out the path I am to follow from here, I will be still and know that you are God. I will wait upon my Lord and remember that it will be by your hand that my destiny will be written. That my provision will be by your grace and love, not by my own weak efforts. And my Lord, ... if it's in your heart for me, even now as I wait, ... bring on the rain.

Well, I did it again. I took what started in my mind as a short message and managed to make it into a mini novel :). But please bear with me just a moment longer to list what can be learned from this torrent of words.

1. Live always according to His teaching for your own sake. He's not teaching us simply for the sake of demonstrating His great wisdom...

2. Never allow anything to take greater precedence in your life than the Lord our God unless you really want to lose it and then suffer the painful consequences.

3. However you may regard yourself and your talents, be reminded that we are nothing but grateful for His mercy. It's His provision and His hand in our lives that sustains us and enables us to succeed in any good thing. It's His breath within us that even gives us life...

4. Our faith need be in the greater power of our God who will not fail us, rather than in this frail shell we call our body. We are no power of our own, but through Christ, We are heir to the power of our God!

5. Never fear Gods' hand or the "rain" in your life. It's by these things that He shapes and molds our character to become something He takes great joy in and by these things that He brings revelation to truly live. Look for His hand in all things. It's there!!!

6. Always assume ... no, always know that He has your best interest at heart no matter what happens. From His viewpoint, He's dealing with you in what really matters! Look for His tender loving hand and take courage that He loves you enough to correct or to mold you into a person that is fit to live in His kingdom. This, because He loves you so much that He wants to live with you forever!

As a parting thought to this writing, I would challenge you to look at your own life and consider what He may be doing in it. His hand is always present in the lives of His children. Often we don't see it either because we don't look for it or because we don't recognize it. Recognizing it sometimes requires considering that He doesn't think like we do and asking the Holy Spirit to reveal it!