Note: If you've not had the opportunity to read the foreword or previous chapters and would like to, please look for the title of this writing under the "Blog Pages" tab above and click on it. You'll find what's available to date under that tab. jbh
The Passion Well
Chapter 7:
Awkwardly Estranged
***
Jeremiah 4:14 (NLT)
"O Jerusalem, cleanse your heart that you may be saved. How long will you harbor your evil thoughts?"
***
There are things in life that shape and change us all as part of our omniscient God's plan. But my wife and I weren't thinking about that at the time of our Dad's passing. We weren't considering the fact that our limited thoughts and understanding don't limit the creativity or perfection of our sovereign God's thoughts and plans - and much less the fact that our inability to understand what He's doing doesn't make Him wrong. I wrestled with all that I was feeling and thinking at times, but when I still couldn't reconcile it all with what I was told was true, I would just push it away from my thoughts again. That was until one day when it all began to come out. I finally boiled over and let my anger fly at the God I held responsible for the messes in my life - the hurt, the blood, the bruises, the betrayal, the brokenness - all of it - everything. After all, He has power over everything right? His responses to me would begin to change me in big ways ... forever.
I was still struggling with my feelings toward my Creator and the accompanying guilt a few years after the deaths of our dads. They remained unresolved and I couldn't put the puzzle pieces together to put my heart at rest and it wore on me heavily. I knew that I shouldn't be angry at my Lord, but I couldn't resolve my anger ... and I couldn't deal with the guilt that I felt because of it. The struggle drove me hard and I began to harden my heart a little further in order to defend against the growing tension. It began to affect my thoughts about everything and defied what I knew that my heart insisted was true in spite of how I might have felt. I relied more and more on myself and my own abilities, not necessarily "disowning" God, but not engaging with Him either "because of His betrayal"- I had become awkwardly estranged.
As strange as it may sound with the attitude I was holding, we attended church for a while. I think I was still trying to remain hopeful while I searched for a thread that could lead me to "reconciliation" with the Master - hoping that there would be some acceptable explanation. But my efforts were far more hollow than I would have admitted at the time. I was still so mad at Him for allowing me to be hurt yet again. I tried to act according to the tenets of my "faith", but without the true motivation behind the actions, the acts became more a practice of acting rather than living out my convictions - pitiful, empty religion. This only increased my guilt and put further stress on other relationships in my life. I was desperately searching for something I still couldn't seem to find - something to satisfy my inner struggle, something to break the tension ... something that continued to mercilessly elude me, but that also constantly drove me ... and all the while, I was becoming more self righteously confident of my perspective.
I forcefully and deliberately continued on "alone" without Him while trying to pretend that I didn't know He was there - as if ignoring Him would somehow hurt Him more than it would me. After all, we had once been close, He would certainly miss me now. I have to truthfully say though, that relying on myself and my own abilities with a bad attitude toward my Lord did not find me blessed. No surprise right? If you truly know Him, you could attach a big DUH behind that statement. Looking back with the understanding that no good and wise father rewards his son for bad behavior or disobedience, I have no reason to doubt why. And a much needed fatherly response became evermore inevitable...
Eventually I began to find that life under my own abilities and efforts was becoming a struggle. We didn't have much money and the house that we were living in was, well, not good. It was an old house, but I was a carpenter so I brought home things that I salvaged from remodels on other people's homes in an effort to make it better and I was succeeding to a degree. Overall, our finances were a mess, our house still needed much work, our furniture was falling apart, vehicles were old and continually needing repair - everything was miserable. The house had some major issues that kept us from being able to get a conventional loan on it so we were relying on a private sale arrangement. We were making the payments, but a situation arose that put the arrangement in jeopardy. So, in the midst of all of this, I began doing what every good "Christian" does when left with no other alternative - I started to continually send my complaints and issues upstairs. I never doubted that He was there or that He could hear me. He had spoken to me very clearly before in life and repeatedly removed any doubt about whether or not He hears me. So I didn't question that. This was a relationship that had started years before, but He wasn't answering me now that I suddenly decided purely out of self centered desperation that I did in fact want to hear from Him ... now that everything was on the edge.
“..fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms.” C.S.Lewis
If the page appears blank and you don't see the post that you're looking for, please scroll up.
The Passion Well
Chapter 7:
Awkwardly Estranged
***
Jeremiah 4:14 (NLT)
"O Jerusalem, cleanse your heart that you may be saved. How long will you harbor your evil thoughts?"
***
There are things in life that shape and change us all as part of our omniscient God's plan. But my wife and I weren't thinking about that at the time of our Dad's passing. We weren't considering the fact that our limited thoughts and understanding don't limit the creativity or perfection of our sovereign God's thoughts and plans - and much less the fact that our inability to understand what He's doing doesn't make Him wrong. I wrestled with all that I was feeling and thinking at times, but when I still couldn't reconcile it all with what I was told was true, I would just push it away from my thoughts again. That was until one day when it all began to come out. I finally boiled over and let my anger fly at the God I held responsible for the messes in my life - the hurt, the blood, the bruises, the betrayal, the brokenness - all of it - everything. After all, He has power over everything right? His responses to me would begin to change me in big ways ... forever.
I was still struggling with my feelings toward my Creator and the accompanying guilt a few years after the deaths of our dads. They remained unresolved and I couldn't put the puzzle pieces together to put my heart at rest and it wore on me heavily. I knew that I shouldn't be angry at my Lord, but I couldn't resolve my anger ... and I couldn't deal with the guilt that I felt because of it. The struggle drove me hard and I began to harden my heart a little further in order to defend against the growing tension. It began to affect my thoughts about everything and defied what I knew that my heart insisted was true in spite of how I might have felt. I relied more and more on myself and my own abilities, not necessarily "disowning" God, but not engaging with Him either "because of His betrayal"- I had become awkwardly estranged.
As strange as it may sound with the attitude I was holding, we attended church for a while. I think I was still trying to remain hopeful while I searched for a thread that could lead me to "reconciliation" with the Master - hoping that there would be some acceptable explanation. But my efforts were far more hollow than I would have admitted at the time. I was still so mad at Him for allowing me to be hurt yet again. I tried to act according to the tenets of my "faith", but without the true motivation behind the actions, the acts became more a practice of acting rather than living out my convictions - pitiful, empty religion. This only increased my guilt and put further stress on other relationships in my life. I was desperately searching for something I still couldn't seem to find - something to satisfy my inner struggle, something to break the tension ... something that continued to mercilessly elude me, but that also constantly drove me ... and all the while, I was becoming more self righteously confident of my perspective.
I forcefully and deliberately continued on "alone" without Him while trying to pretend that I didn't know He was there - as if ignoring Him would somehow hurt Him more than it would me. After all, we had once been close, He would certainly miss me now. I have to truthfully say though, that relying on myself and my own abilities with a bad attitude toward my Lord did not find me blessed. No surprise right? If you truly know Him, you could attach a big DUH behind that statement. Looking back with the understanding that no good and wise father rewards his son for bad behavior or disobedience, I have no reason to doubt why. And a much needed fatherly response became evermore inevitable...
Eventually I began to find that life under my own abilities and efforts was becoming a struggle. We didn't have much money and the house that we were living in was, well, not good. It was an old house, but I was a carpenter so I brought home things that I salvaged from remodels on other people's homes in an effort to make it better and I was succeeding to a degree. Overall, our finances were a mess, our house still needed much work, our furniture was falling apart, vehicles were old and continually needing repair - everything was miserable. The house had some major issues that kept us from being able to get a conventional loan on it so we were relying on a private sale arrangement. We were making the payments, but a situation arose that put the arrangement in jeopardy. So, in the midst of all of this, I began doing what every good "Christian" does when left with no other alternative - I started to continually send my complaints and issues upstairs. I never doubted that He was there or that He could hear me. He had spoken to me very clearly before in life and repeatedly removed any doubt about whether or not He hears me. So I didn't question that. This was a relationship that had started years before, but He wasn't answering me now that I suddenly decided purely out of self centered desperation that I did in fact want to hear from Him ... now that everything was on the edge.
“..fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms.” C.S.Lewis
If the page appears blank and you don't see the post that you're looking for, please scroll up.
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