My spiritual mentors have cautioned me about dwelling on my past, given that I am far removed from who I once was. But, the depth of my current conviction was birthed through the experiences of the past and are not something I lament. Also, I find that the lessons we share in vulnerable openness tend to make us all stronger and are real. They also allow us to know one another in truth, without hiding behind some other persona or mask. They enable us to share "life". So in humility I submit yet another learned lesson from my own life for your consideration. This is not an exercise in lamentation, but in rejoicing in growth and deliverance. In fact, I've come to have the perspective of our brother James in James 1:2-4. I'm deeply humbled by seeing the man I was, knowing that the molding of our Lords' hand has given me greater life than I could have imagined then. Once again though, I must caution that the focus not be on me in this, but on the truth. I have lived, and continue to live with open passion for the things that I love and my brothers and sisters in Christ are among these. So it's with humble openness that I expose my heart to your view in the hope that someone else may benefit from it.
There are the rain storms in our lives that shape and change the character of a man and wash away the spiritual dirt and mud. There are times when we allow ourselves to be swept with the rain of despair (These are often times when we choose to ignore the truth and accept what our carnal mind and our eyes and ears would tell us). There are days of cool rain when our souls are refreshed in the desert places of life and we are restored. There are moments of nurturing rain that cause us to burst forth with spiritual blossoms and growth.
Through all of these days of rain in my own life, I've come to know that the Father does indeed have purpose in the struggles and trials we go through and that many times the struggles are self inflicted. That I was deceived in how I felt about the presence of rain. I've also come to understand that He does answer prayer, just not necessarily how we expected sometimes, and sometimes in ways that we don't agree with at the time. But in every case His unmatched wisdom far exceeds our own and His ability to know the future allows Him to prepare us for things we can't begin to anticipate. Without a doubt “our Father knows best”.
Over time He's taught me not to panic or be discouraged when the sky darkens foretelling of rain to come. He's taught me that the reward of these times comes to be seen by patience. I don't lose my faith when the lighting flashes across the night sky of my life and the thunder crashes and roars across the face of the landscape that I travel in this life. I know in my heart that not only is He with me, but that it's His hand, the hand of my loving Father shaping, molding and refreshing that which He created. He's bringing the life giving rain. He's creating growth in me and giving me life. He shapes, molds and refreshes my heart, my spirit and my character through days of spiritual rain.
In the nature He created around us, there is very little, if any life where there is no rain. The desert landscape is barren, rough, dry and unforgiving in these places. Very little change occurs in these parts of the world. But in the rain forests of the world, life flourishes. The variety and abundance of life is amazing. It's constantly maintained, renewed and refreshed by the days of rain that fall and carve out streams and rivers teeming with life. The colors are brilliant and the plant life is lush and thick. It's the same way with the landscape of our hearts. We need the rain in our lives to give us spiritual growth, to create streams and rivers of life in our hearts, and to shape and change our character.
Traveling the path less traveled, I think it's far too easy to become disillusioned if we're not constantly looking for our Lords' hand in our lives and at the same time recognizing that our God sees things from a far better perspective. I don't pretend to know exactly what our Lord might be thinking at any given moment, but there are of course things He allows us to know. One thing I know for certain - He is always faithful to have my best interests in mind! In all of the trials and struggles of this mans' life, there has always been one who was never far away. I've had only to pause from the emotion of whatever moment I might be in and look to see His hand. Because of my humanity, that's not always been an easy task. But every time I make the effort to look, His faithful hand is involved in directing the affairs of my life.
Like so many others, being a passionate personality I have so far lived a life rich and eventful. My heart has been deeply involved in the core of my existence. That is to say that what I have done in my life, I have for the most part done in earnest and with great intent to bless the things and people I hold dear and value most. Perhaps it's due to the Irish in my heritage, or maybe just the way our Lord wired me. But whatever the reason, I like many others, have lived with my heart leading the way. There are positive attributes to living this way. For example, I'm easily touched by the sensitivity of others and have an appreciation for others who live this way. It allows for openness and opportunities to experience real and true relationships with other people and with our God. It makes me vulnerable and sensitive to our Lords' heart. But there are inherent dangers as well. Holding ones' heart out in front, leaves it vulnerable to pain and the insensitivity of some. I've been accused more than once of wearing my heart on my sleeve. In those moments one is tempted by impulse to say "ahhh... no, ... actually it's between us... YOU'RE STEPPING ON IT!" But I don't. There are those people in the world who are gifted tap dancers just looking for opportunity to show their skill and an open invitation.
But you know, I'm not ashamed of leading with my heart. As far as I can tell, I'm following a pretty good example ... several really. But the one I admire the most ... is our Lord Jesus Christ. I don't see that He hid his heart from anyone. It's always been pretty clear what He cares about and He's quite open about it. He's made Himself vulnerable to all of us. He's declared unashamedly what He cares about. His heart is so strong that He walked among us with the greatest confidence in His convictions. But I'm not so strong. I think perhaps our brother Peter is a better example of how I see myself. If Peter were a cup of coffee, he'd be just a raw, ordinary coffee, but the strongest, richest blend that on the first sip in the morning would smack ya right between the taste buds and shout "GOOD MORNIN' TO YA! He was just a simple straight up cup with nothing added - he was honest about who he was. He wasn't a latte or a mocha, but he had passion and flavor that I'm sure the Lord enjoys. At the same time however, Peter had a bitter after taste - in that he struggled with his flesh, his humanity. Like Peter was, I'm fallible and wrestle at times with my humanity. Occasionally even now, try as I may to avoid it, my fears and emotions may come into play. It's a far more rare thing than it once was, but every once in a great while, it happens. Later when emotion cools a little, in a moment of reflection I find myself like Peter - overcome with grief at my weakness and deeply ashamed. But also like Peter, I've come to recognize my weakness and now yield myself to be sifted through the great and awesome coffee filter of our Lord to have my impurities removed so that my flavor may be only appealing and satisfying to His taste.
For the longest time, I walked the course of my life without any shield in front of my heart and suffered horribly for it. I'm sure there are many who can identify with this. Everything that came in contact with my heart as I have traveled has had the ability to hurt me and in my humanity, I would be tempted to immediately react to it. I'm reminded of the lyrics of a song that said "traveling twice the speed of sound, it's easy to get burned" (I know, I'm showing my age). But it could also be said that traveling with your heart out front, it's easy to get hurt. In our humanness our typical reactions are two fold when this happens: 1. We immediately try to identify the source of the pain - who's to blame. Then, 2. We either recoil and withdraw from the source, or we lash out in retaliation to strike back.
There are far too many occasions where either for lack of someone else to blame, or maybe just because it's easier, that many "blame" our God. It's true that He's all powerful and that He knows and sees everything right? So some tend to think He must be to blame. There's only one problem with this line of thinking - we who know Him know that it's not true! Once again, I'm drawn to consider perspective.
There are a number of reasons that people might suffer trials and hurtful things things that come. One important thing to consider is that our Lord is not responsible for the decisions and actions of men around us. We were given free will to choose which master we will serve. We all choose, either consciously or by default and unfortunately, not all choose correctly - These have the potential to become pawns of their master and are guided by the other force in the world that brings nothing but injustice, wickedness and death. Ephesians 6:12 "For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms".
But we know our Master! Consider Psalms 84:11" For the LORD God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the LORD withhold from those who do what is right". We know that He is trustworthy (Deut. 7:9), gracious and merciful (Neh. 9:31), good (Ps 34:8), our Father (Mat. 6:9), and love (1 Jn 4:16). I'll stop here for now because the list is as endless as He is. But in all that we can know about Him by His word, He is good and His heart toward us is so tender. I have learned that if I hold what I know about our Lord as my shield against all things that could come against me, then I see things much differently than those without the same comfort. I know that whatever happens, my Lord is of course blameless. I began to recognize other truths as well - beginning with the fact that blame is not a part of my life. By His grace however, credit is. Considering myself to be a somewhat sensitive and passionate personality, I have been deeply affected by the events and "tragedies" in my life and have reacted to them according to my perspective. At a point in life when I came to realize that my perspective didn't match what I know of our God, I began to question my perspective.
There have been many times when I've questioned the Lord in moments when I was deeply wounded and broken by things that happened in this life. "Lord why? If you love me, why?" Part of the problem was the fact that I questioned even that He loved me. Once I accepted the truth that He does in fact love me, even beyond my capacity to understand, then I had to attempt to see things through His eyes in order to try to understand the "why". Accepting the truth was the key to enabling my perspective to change. In this process of changing perspective, I discovered my shield against despair and the hopelessness of the worlds' perspective. If He said it, I believe it without question and discover "life". We're taught by the wisdom of the world to question everything. Indeed there are many things in the world that we need to question, but our God isn't one of them. In fact, questioning our God is not wisdom, but foolishness that can lead to some very serious delusions and it can be fatal in more ways than one. I'm speaking from personal experience - I live today only by His merciful intervention more than once, so my convictions are deeply rooted.
In my youth, I struggled to accept His word completely against what I saw from my world tainted perspective. This left me very vulnerable and almost cost me not only this life, but the next. At a time when the Holy Spirit was bringing conviction regarding the way I was living at one point, I fell on my face completely broken ... and the enemy came to call.
I was a desperate young man searching for answers when a very wise man told me that I should “Never take another man's word for what God is trying to tell you through His word. Read it for yourself and pray the Holy Spirit to reveal it to you and make it real in your life”. These words set me on a journey that has so impacted my life that I can't even begin to express the fullness of it. I will always be grateful for his boldness and willingness to allow the Holy Spirit to speak through him the very words that would begin to shape and mold the rest of my life and to my loving Holy Father for showing me that I do indeed have a purpose and a value amongst so many other things.
As I remember, I had accepted Jesus as my personal savior when I was about 8 years old and I believed, but He hadn't yet made Himself real to me. I believed, but I really didn't understand what it was all about until He introduced Himself in ways I couldn't have imagined. I was about 14 or 15 years old at the time those words were spoken to me and I was hurting tremendously. I was searching for something. I didn't really know exactly what, but I knew it was out there. I was suffering abuse from someone close to me and I had been the oddball in school, the outcast, the wounded bird in a chicken coop full of roosters. I was the one who got beat up when someone wanted to show the rest of the class how cool they were. I was lonely even though I was surrounded by those that loved me. I was small and I had a tender helpful spirit that wanted to see the best in people, to do the right thing and I believed that there was a God who would reward me for it. But I was becoming hardened by the constant pain of rejection and abuse. I was feeling betrayed and confused. I began to find ways to successfully grow and show my physical strength and ability and my intellect - to prove my worth and my value to the world and most of all to myself. I was beginning to fight back … and was becoming increasingly more miserable. The emotional soup that was my young life at the time was turning into rage in spite of what I believed. That bright positive spirit within me was dying and I was desperate and confused. I was wrestling with a monster that I couldn't overcome ... and was in fact battling for my very life as time would come to tell.
At 17 years old, I had left home in anger and had begun to compromise what I knew was right in order to have “friends”. I had money and my new “friends” had habits. I found that I was suddenly “popular”. I gradually came to talk less and less with Jesus as I began to get caught up in those things forbidden in order to make friends. To have their company and their “friendship” I had to act as they did. So I started with drinking and I was eventually caught up in experimenting with drugs. I soon realized that all of those things I'd been forbidden earlier in my life were there for the partaking. I could smoke, drink, spit, curse and generally do what ever I wanted. I began to wander farther and farther from what I knew was right and over time, the objections of the Holy Spirit grew fainter and harder to hear. Some months went by and I found myself heavily addicted to amphetamines and a very heavy drinker. I sought relationships with people that I learned to sorely regret. I was drowning in relationships and habits that were rapidly dragging me further and further away from the one person who brought me peace and made my life worth living. Believe me, I never intended to go there. I didn't intend to turn my back on my Lord, but that's exactly what I had accomplished by living my life apart from His teaching… and then one day it all hit me.
It was like waking up in the middle of a nightmare. My heart was pounding and there was a queasy sick feeling in the pit of my stomach... I had heard Him call my name. In the midst of all of the noise of the world that I had buried myself in, I heard a familiar voice, His voice, and He called my name. I wanted to hide and I felt dirty and ashamed. I knew that I'd been wallering in the pig pen of life and that the stench of my life at this point had to be soo offensive to Him. I couldn't begin to describe to you the shame that I felt or the fearful realization of being far separated from my first love. I sought out someone that I respected, someone that I knew talked to God. He was a teacher of God's word, so surely he could help me get back on track with my Jesus and unwind the tangled mess I'd made of my life. But this is where things went seriously wrong.
Satan had me right where he wanted me and he wasn't about to give up now. He knew that I'd allowed him to lead me off God's path and that I'd made myself vulnerable. I'd taken my eyes off of my Lord and allowed myself to be led off of the path I walked with Him. In my confused state, I'd allowed my ears to hear the lies he'd told me about the companionship I could find with these other lost souls and I'd fallen for it. He knew how dangerous I could be to him as a warrior in Christ. He knew that my Father had a plan and a purpose for my life and that unless he could defeat me while I was weak, that I would reign victoriously in my Savior and that I'd be able to cause him and his followers great pain. I couldn't see it at the time, but the battle for my soul was furious and the enemy was desperate and determined.
I was in the middle of confessing my many sins and my fear of being separated from God to this servant of our Lord when it happened. I know now in my heart that what I heard was distorted and not all of what he told me, but what I came away with was devastating beyond anything I can imagine. What I heard out of everything he said that day was that we can sin in our lives to a point where God will turn His back on us and we couldn't get back. Believe me, with all that I had done, I knew I was over the line. Nothing anyone has ever said, or could say, to me could have devastated me more than what I heard. It meant that I had ruined the one relationship in my life that I knew could save me. I had turned my back on the greatest love relationship that I had known in my young life. I had thrown it all away. I had wasted my one chance and now I knew (or so I thought), I could never get it back.
I remember parts of it clearly and I remember the frustration, the pain and ashamedly the anger, as I told Papa God off afterward. I had made such a mess out of things. I had let rage and frustration overtake me and I was living recklessly outside of His will and purpose even though I knew better and had experienced an intimate relationship with my savior .... and now?
I was numb with horror. I withdrew from my many “friends”. I didn't want to talk to anybody, see anybody or have anything to do with any of them. I didn't care about anything any more. I was convinced that my hope was lost. Over the next days I became more and more reckless with my life. In my heart and mind, I'd created my own personal version of living hell. I had a genuine death wish and I threw myself deeper into the trash that brought me to this place looking for some glimmer of relief. But it was all still there. The horror, confusion, the anger and loneliness were more present than ever. Over the next weeks I became even more despondent. I couldn't think of one reason separated from my God, that I should continue to live. I knew what would become of me if I died, but decided in my desperate and distorted state of mind that living wasn't much better and I eventually decided to get it over with...
A paramedic friend of mine told me later that the mixture of pills I had taken, in the quantity I had taken them, were enough to kill a full grown horse according to the poison control center. I don't really know about that. I took all of a prescription that I had and grabbed a bottle of something from someone elses' medicine cabinet and emptied the whole thing. I never stopped to look at the label. I think that I assumed that the mixture of the prescription, the other illicit things I'd taken earlier, this bottle and the alcohol should've been enough. It turns out that the bottle may have even just been aspirin. But the important thing that I do know, is that I was seriously trying to end my life. It's what was in my heart. I fully intended to call it all a loss and resigned myself to ending the pain of living apart from God in the midst of all of the unbearable emotions that I was powerless to overcome alone. I remember saying good bye to some people that I had felt close to, which led to them demanding to know why. They of course, called the paramedics who began feeding me this nasty liquid intended to make me throw up the pills. But I was determined with all I could muster not to. I tried to get away... willing and wanting to die... alone. After all, I was truly alone...Godless and damned...wasn't I? … Or was I?
I don't remember much about what happened after that until the memory of being in the house of someone I knew later on. I'm told that my dad met me at the hospital and that my stomach was pumped to get rid of the poison. My memory of what happened immediately afterward is blurred. I crashed hard. But the first thing I really remember after trying to get away was that I was laid out on a bed in a strange place. In my dazed state I thought I saw someone kneeling by the bed praying. I thought that I knew who it was. If so, she was part of the crowd, the sister of someone I regretted knowing well. Not someone I knew to have even the slightest idea who God was, but there she was … praying.
Eventually, after what felt like a couple of days I fully woke up. I really don't know how long it was. It may have only been hours. My mind and body were wrecked and I was weaker than I'd ever felt. I felt incredibly sick and most of all ... angry! I remember eventually leaving the house wondering how I got there. I had no memory of it. As I staggered down the middle of the street, I began to let Papa God have it with both barrels. Only He could have stopped me from ending it all. It had to be Him. It was His fault that I was still here. “Why didn't you let me die!” I screamed with what little strength I could muster. “What reason could you possibly have for making me live?” I continued, fully enraged. I was certain that He didn't love me any more after all that I'd done, with the twisted understanding that I'd come to have. The words that came to me were soft and gentle, but they hit me like a cold slap in the face that took the fight right out of me and brought me to my knees - “Because you've not yet fulfilled the purpose for which I created you”. Over the many years that have followed, I've had occasion to often wonder about that purpose - until He revealed this also.
The truth is that the real poison that almost took my life was something I'd been taking for a while. It grew like a cancer in my heart and I foolishly fed it regularly with worldly things that made it worse until it was bigger than I could control. There was only one doctor that could treat my suffering and He was waiting for me the whole time. But because of the degenerated condition of my heart, and because I'd let myself listen with worldly ears to the lies and the deafening noise of the deceiver, what I heard was distorted. I believed it when he tried to make me think that Jesus was no longer willing. I believed the father of lies when he told me that I had crossed the line and couldn't get back to where I belonged. But our Gods' truth, is that when we truly repent and ask for His forgiveness, we'll always find that we're standing face to face with Him, right where we left Him. We can never, ever, allow ourselves to believe otherwise.
What I was really suffering from was the anger, hurt, frustration, the unwillingness to forgive and the rebellion that I'd allowed to take root and build in my heart. Most if not all are familiar with the saying that “you are what you eat”. The parallel truth to that is that you are what you eat spiritually. What we allow ourselves to listen to, see, watch, feel or be part of, has a direct impact spiritually. More than we may realize. We may not even notice it at first. It may even seem harmless. But that's part of the enemies' plan. The poison may taste sweet, but the effects are terribly bitter. Like a cancer, it can grow until it consumes you.
Afterward, I was left wondering what it was that He decided was worth saving me for. But as the days went by, one thing began to come clear. I was alive only because He wanted me to be ... and for reasons that only He knew. I waited and surrendered whatever I had left, whatever I was in His eyes to this “purpose.” It was the only thing left that I could do. I knew for a fact that He wouldn't let me take the cowards' way out. I'd been there and tried that. So there was nothing left to do but to surrender totally and completely … and to wait. But then it came to me – He hadn't turned his back on me! If he had, He would have let me die. He saved me. But why? Once again I began to feel hope and I wanted nothing more than to know again the love of my Jesus. But I was as broken as I think anyone could be. I was still hurting deeply, still alone and crushed. I cried out to Him with a heart as open and sincere as a heart can be, and surrendered completely. I poured out my heart sobbing with complete brokenness to Him who had saved me in more ways than one. It was during the days of waiting, desolation and surrender that followed, that He made me realize the depth of the truth. I had believed a lie. He was faithfully present as always and was simply waiting for me to repent.
So what do you do about this vulnerable heart thing? How does one who lives this life leading with their heart avoid being bruised? Always believing Gods' truth first in all things, including Jesus' words “I will never leave you or forsake you” has given me a shield of truth to protect my vulnerable heart from the enemies' assertions to the contrary. The fact that He loves me, gives me perspective to look to see what work He might be doing in my life for my good even in the things that try me and it becomes a shield against the negative perspective of this world. My point here is that if I hold everything that our Lord tells us as the truth and as my shield, I'm very well protected. There are other shields, but each of them have serious weaknesses and consequences - most of them deadly. For example; there are many people who shield their hearts with their intellect. This creates some huge problems, but it also leaves them far less vulnerable to real "life". By doing this, they can create defenses that are virtually impenetrable. But this usually creates a pretty strong barrier to life itself and it usually stands to exist also as an effective and offensive barrier between them and God - thereby keeping them separated from Him.
A wise sister in Christ recently pointed out how often we tend to ask the Lord to spare us completely from the trials and troubles in this life in our prayers. But she noted that the apostles and even Christ Himself were found to pray only that they be given the grace and courage to endure them. Perhaps they understood that it's by these things that we are molded by the hand of our Father in preparation for marriage to Christ as His bride. Our Lord Jesus Himself warned that we would endure trials. So why would we pray to avoid them and why would we be discouraged when they come? It might benefit us greatly instead, to understand that these things are necessary for our growth to have "life" and follow their example to pray for courage, grace and endurance so that we can rejoice in the end result. And, as far as being real with one another, how can we ever come to share "life" together without truly knowing one another as Christ allowed us to know Him?
“Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything” James 1:2-4.
Sift everything in life through the sieve, the shield of Gods' truth and hold firm to that which passes through, that you may be changed by it and walk in the peace and protection of our God. Hold first above all else, all that our Lord has spoken because we know this is truth. Know also that the storms that buffet us may be part of our Lords' bigger plan and rejoice knowing that He's doing a good work in us that will profit us because of His tremendous love for us. By the rains that fall in our lives, we are cleansed and refined, we are molded, we grow ... and we have life!
Jeff
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