Note: If you've not had the opportunity to read the foreword or previous chapters and would like to, please look for the title of this writing under the "Blog Pages" tab above and click on it. You'll find what's available to date under that tab. jbh
The Passion Well
Chapter 10:
***
Jeremiah 9:24 NLT
"But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things. I, the Lord, have spoken!"
***
Our God is not a careless father. Nor is He without the ability to affect our circumstances. There are times when we might deserve the trouble that enters our lives and then times when we're certain that we don't. But regardless of what we might think that we deserve, our Father is always engaging those things that enter our lives with the intent to prosper us - even those hurtful things that we might receive at the hands of others.
Look at Joseph, the proud strutting peacock son of Jacob for a moment and think of him as a child under the training of his father - Father God. Joseph's earthly father like many others of us wasn't exactly the perfect role model and was at least partly responsible for fanning Joseph's arrogant pride. Joseph's arrogance and the favoritism that Jacob showered on him became such an intolerable stench to his brothers that in their boiling disdain and jealousy, murder became a possible remedy worth considering as a solution. But where Joseph's earthly father may have failed him, his heavenly Father took over and Joseph's training took a hard, but profitable turn.
Joseph the proud was brought down more than once and made to bear indignities and hardships that changed him in ways that allowed the Lord to use him very significantly. In the end, after Joseph found humility, the Lord was able to use the good qualities and talents that He'd instilled in him to the serious benefit of an entire nation as well as those of his own family. Once Joseph found his knees, the Lord was then able to elevate him to a height that he would never have imagined from his far lesser beginnings. In the end, the humility that he acquired and the grace that he'd received, both due to his upbringing under the Lord's hand, enabled him to forgive the very ones that once sought to kill him and subjected him to slavery.
Next, our Father continued and patiently pointed out that I had allowed this thing, this business, to become so important in my life that it became an offense to Him. As the business began to suffer, I had begun pouring my every waking minute into it. I began working from dark to dark seven days a week for months on end, without taking a day off. I gave it everything ... which left very little to offer either my Lord, or my family. I allowed it to take priority over Him, giving Him no time and He resented it along with the loss of my fellowship. It seemed like everything I could devise to begin to restore it somehow foundered. It wasn't for lack of experience or knowledge. I had been successfully at the forefront of other construction companies. I had been the general manager of a much larger company and an integral key part of other companies larger than this and helped grow them. I had honed my skills in most all of the related trades to a keen edge. So why??? ... now, I began to understand ... and now I began to be corrected. But my repentance would not become complete before I lost everything that I had brazenly held up to His offense.
***
Exodus 20:3-6 (NLT)
3 “You must not have any other god but me. 4 “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. 5 You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. 6 But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.
***
Indeed, without thinking about it or having any intention, I'd given the highest priority and devotion in my life to another...
When we were teetering on the brink of total financial collapse, I still stubbornly refused to give up and I determinedly managed to land "the job" that would set everything back upright. By now of course, I had still only partially acknowledged the error of my ways and was so relieved that "the Lord had given me an opportunity to recover." My wife and I were in shear financial panic mode by now. But I was still thinking about how to save the "things" we had managed to acquire and was congratulating "myself" silently for being so resourceful in keeping the company afloat and in landing this new project (as a follower of Christ, I'm hoping that you're seeing where this is going and why).
I was about three weeks into this new project and it was going well. I'd managed to keep my core crew together and had added a few new hands as well. I'd invested what meager borrowed resources I could scrounge together to start this job, but with some relief I was now beginning to think about how to organize our personal recovery and keep as much of our household and business equipment intact as possible. We'd starved everything we could starve budget wise in a painful effort to reach this next opportunity and everything was now hanging by a thread. But it looked like it was going to pay off much to the relief of our panicked minds. During the first couple of weeks the project was expanded considerably and I was beginning to settle in for the ride - still preoccupied by things other than "my purpose". But then, three weeks in ... it all collapsed.
The Lord was once again showing me grace. This project was very large. I had taken it on as a subcontractor under a pair of architect/developers that I'd worked with several times before. They were business friends, but also very much sticklers for detail which I didn't mind because I wasn't one to take short cuts. They were also very big sticklers when it came to contractual issues. I didn't mind this either since it tended to protect all parties when contracts were properly negotiated and my negotiating skills were very sharp - something I was proud of and had proven time and time again.
I was standing next to the pickup of one of these architects on a warm summer morning discussing the details of some new work that was being added to the project when I began to feel strange. I felt a growing weakness on the left side of my body and face. I staggered suddenly and tried to steady myself as I began to feel a little weaker. But within seconds the entire left side of my body went completely limp and I crumpled into a heap in the dust next to the man I had been speaking to. Before this I'd had no major health issues. I was 48 years old and had been as strong as an ox and was in very good health, so there was no warning or reason to expect anything that was suddenly happening so inexplicably. As I lay there helpless in the dirt completely unable to process what was happening to me, I heard my architect friend who I knew to be a Christian begin to pray over me as he waited for the 911 operator to pick up ...
As I lay crumpled on the ground in a pile on the construction site I was on, completely unable to control the entire left side of my body, my mind was racing. Our Lord blessed me in that a Christian brother was right there with me, praying and holding me while I lay there helpless in the dirt. But in this moment of human weakness and panic, in my mind I frantically cried out silently to my Father God “Papa God, why this too? Why this on top of all of the other things that are coming against me now. Why must I face this too?” He's taught me to know over a lifetime that He has reason and purpose in everything He allows in our lives so there had to be a purpose in this too. I didn't always see it that way and I wasn't seeing it at that moment. I still didn't understand that He's always looking at the far bigger picture for our good like any good parent would do and that the earthly things that we tend to focus on really don't have all that much meaning to Him. Nothing's impossible to Him and He could of course miraculously intervene at any moment. What matters most to Him is who we become and the character of our hearts and minds. Sometimes developing that ... can be a painful process.
I found out later that I was having not one, but three simultaneous small strokes caused by a heart defect that I had worked very hard all of my life with. It was something that I was completely unaware of, but it wasn't unknown to my Lord. As I lay on the gurney in the cold emergency room, my mind was racing with all of the "what ifs" and "whys?". My head felt like a giant was banging two boulders together with my head in between them and all of the muscles on the left side of my body were totally useless. I couldn't even communicate in any form without extreme effort and then only minimally. My biggest concern? - Why now? Just when I'm able to start pulling it all back together after so much worry and so much strain. Why now? This is it. Maybe just a little earlier than I expected, but this must be it ... it's my turn to go.
My pastor came to see me in the hospital room later while I was still trying to absorb everything and I shared a sudden realization with him. I realized that inexplicably all of the fear that I had about dying was gone and that I didn't have any fear for myself at all. I told him that "the only thing I'm worried about is my family". His response was another invitation to step up to a little more mature faith "do you mean to tell me that you trust God with yourself, but that you don't have faith to believe that same God would take care of your family?" Hmmm I thought ... he's right.
I think it was about the third day in the hospital when that same architect friend came to see me. The Lord was once again showing me grace and I was miraculously regaining much of the movement on my left side and the giant's boulders had shrunken to much smaller rocks. I was glad to see him and I thanked him for helping me and for his prayers. I was just about to tell him not to worry that I'd find a way to make sure the work was done according to our agreement without fail when he stopped me and was silent for a moment. I could tell that something was weighing heavily on him and he was searching hard for the right words.
I had a contract with them and one that I still stubbornly had every intention of honoring no matter what - even from a hospital bed if I had to. I had a capable and knowledgeable crew at my command. I couldn't imagine what was troubling him so much. Then he spilled it - I had a contract with them, but they had never signed a contract with the property owner. Knowing their obsessive legal tendencies, I'd never have imagined this. It turned out that their agreement was based on a handshake and the owner had changed his mind and decided to work with someone else to save money even though the job was already in progress. Another contractor, likely as desperate as we were, had offered to do the job for less money and was now taking over the project. It was all gone. My physical strength and endurance had now been turned to weakness, my years of business prowess, construction skill and expertise had failed despite all of my extreme effort ... and through this, once again ... the Lord was showing me grace.
***
Matthew 22:36-38 (NLT)
36 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” 37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment."
***
He's told us in advance that He's a jealous God and made it clear that we shouldn't set anything above Him in priority. If we put too much emphasis on anything it becomes an idol and without even thinking about it, I had been spending far more effort and time on that company than I did on my relationship with Him. He didn't create me to love a company - He created me to love HIM. So He removed the offense from between us - not because He was mad at me, but because He's in love with me and delights in the man that He's teaching me to become ... just like any truly good father would.
***
Jeremiah 31:20 (NLT)
“Is not Israel still my son, my darling child?” says the LORD . “I often have to punish him, but I still love him. That’s why I long for him and surely will have mercy on him."
***
In just a very few minutes our God had reminded me inescapably just how weak and vulnerable I really am without Him. He quickly pointed out the truth that I have never done any good thing alone. He has always been my strength and the source of my provision ... and I wasn't giving Him any glory for it. At the same time, in the moments that I lay helpless and paralyzed, when I was certain that this was the end that I had known for years was coming early (and I would have readily agreed that it would not have been unjust), He failed my distorted perception of Him and proved once again how He much loves me by caring enough to correct me.
The rules for successful engagement with Him existed before any of us. Careful adherence to His fatherly instruction leads to peaceful, fulfilling and contented life. Consequences are something that WE choose by choosing not to follow His parental direction - much like parent/child relationship within the envelope of a good family...
The Passion Well
Chapter 10:
My Path To Unconditional Surrender ...
Jeremiah 9:24 NLT
"But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things. I, the Lord, have spoken!"
***
Our God is not a careless father. Nor is He without the ability to affect our circumstances. There are times when we might deserve the trouble that enters our lives and then times when we're certain that we don't. But regardless of what we might think that we deserve, our Father is always engaging those things that enter our lives with the intent to prosper us - even those hurtful things that we might receive at the hands of others.
Look at Joseph, the proud strutting peacock son of Jacob for a moment and think of him as a child under the training of his father - Father God. Joseph's earthly father like many others of us wasn't exactly the perfect role model and was at least partly responsible for fanning Joseph's arrogant pride. Joseph's arrogance and the favoritism that Jacob showered on him became such an intolerable stench to his brothers that in their boiling disdain and jealousy, murder became a possible remedy worth considering as a solution. But where Joseph's earthly father may have failed him, his heavenly Father took over and Joseph's training took a hard, but profitable turn.
Joseph the proud was brought down more than once and made to bear indignities and hardships that changed him in ways that allowed the Lord to use him very significantly. In the end, after Joseph found humility, the Lord was able to use the good qualities and talents that He'd instilled in him to the serious benefit of an entire nation as well as those of his own family. Once Joseph found his knees, the Lord was then able to elevate him to a height that he would never have imagined from his far lesser beginnings. In the end, the humility that he acquired and the grace that he'd received, both due to his upbringing under the Lord's hand, enabled him to forgive the very ones that once sought to kill him and subjected him to slavery.
Genesis 50:19 -20
19 "But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people."
What if Joseph had rebelled against God and refused to faithfully submit to the Lord's parental molding of him and gave in to the emotional temptations that he no doubt could easily have been faced with? I have no doubt that Joseph's life would have been one of abject failure, if he survived at all. Each of us regardless of presenting circumstances, has the same choice to remain faithful and trust the Father to bring us up according to His all knowing wisdom and His loving intention toward us ... or to rebel against or reject it. Our trusting submission to His promises and instruction are key to our successful engagement with Him and the realization of the eternal profitability that He intends.
Joseph's life in scripture is only one of countless others forever changed by the parental hand of the perfect and faithful Father. There are many others to be found in scripture and in the world around us. Their lives are a witness to the loving kindness and faithfulness of the only perfect father that truly knows best and that loves His children far beyond their ability to grasp.
Question:
If as followers of Christ we're confident in an unchanging God, why would we ever consider any possibility that our Father isn't actively and intimately engaged with and parenting us in ways similar to what He's previously demonstrated?
Question:
If as followers of Christ we're confident in an unchanging God, why would we ever consider any possibility that our Father isn't actively and intimately engaged with and parenting us in ways similar to what He's previously demonstrated?
Each one of us is uniquely different, but our heavenly Father knows us more intimately than we even have the ability to know ourselves. There are no secrets, no hidden self deceptions, no traits or unrecognized habits that He doesn't see. But He also sees the gifts and the talents that He's built into or given us. That means that He's perfectly able to chart the best course to train and lead us to successful profitability, both in this life and the next. But as we view whatever course we're on with Him, we always have to be conscious of His complete eternal perspective and that His priority is always on the next that has no end rather than the temporary present. So even if we don't see the profit of His training immediately in this life, we know that we can trust Him to reveal it in the next. He alone knows what's required to turn the raw material given into His hand into a precious gem of immeasurable worth and beauty that He'll be able to treasure forever. But surrendering it all completely into His hand seems to be a little more difficult for some than it is for others...
I'd worked very hard in my own heart to be forgiving of the customer that I'd previously felt used by in the previous chapter. When the young men that worked for me sought various ways to wreak vengeance on him, I made it clear to them that they were to continue to give only their best and that it was not their place to try to avenge me. Still, I felt spitefully used as I watched what I worked so hard to build in terms of my business begin to crumble in front of me and I had to be vigilant against the urging of the enemy to dwell on this man as someone who deserved to be punished and suffer the wrath of our Lord for his dealings with me. I felt, for reasons I couldn't explain at the time, that it wasn't my place to attempt to judge what was in his heart. I knew now what I could expect to see from him and took care to guard myself in further dealings I had with him when there was no other work available. I couldn't possibly know what was going on privately between him and our Father God. Only the Lord God Himself knew and I felt strongly in my heart, the need to be careful regarding what I thought about him. But I still didn't completely understand why.
It was on one fine morning sitting out on the covered deck behind our house some months later, as I sought the comfort of my Lord's presence ... that He let me have it right in my self absorbed perspective and set me straight. I was mulling over my situation for what seemed like the thousandth time when He asked me the questions that left me somewhat bewildered and laid my countenance low. "Child, what if it was my plan from long ago to use the gifts I have given you to bless this man and His family? And... what if the reason you suffer now, is because you failed to prepare according to my plan by living in obedience to what I instructed you long ago? Do you expect me to change my plans because you chose to be disobedient?" ... I was blown away. I hadn't even in my many musings, begun to consider this as the possible answer to my struggle. But here it was ... and of course it was the truth. I knew now that it wasn't this man's fault that I suffered, but mine. It was suddenly clear to me. It was the Lord's intentioned plan all along to bless this man for His own reasons and had I been faithful to His teachings, I would have been in much better financial position to allow our Lord to use me as He had planned. I was face to face with my own previous failure as the source of my current pain.
I'd worked hard for many years to deal with everyone fairly and out of a good heart both in my personal life and in business, so I felt certain that the Lord would bless me in my ventures. And He did, but I'd missed something along the way, or maybe I just didn't want to see it. I was in submission to our Father's teachings in some things, but had ignored others and thereby tied the hands that blessed me. The lessons He would teach me from this situation were very painful and consequently, will not be forgotten. Because of my choice to ignore the teachings He had provided me in my youth through the book of Proverbs, I was now paying dearly. I had been blessed as a young man to find great interest in the wisdom of this great book of His word and had read it repeatedly. I studied it in depth and had once stored away it's teachings in my heart. He'd provided it to me in part to keep me from the very situation I now faced and I was beginning to learn why. I'd lived my life at least in principle, by much of what He taught me from this book of wisdom, but had failed to faithfully observe His wisdom regarding my finances, ... or just plain ignored it because of a developing lust for material, perishing things.
Of course, looking back now, I can clearly see the wisdom of the Lord's teaching. But I had to learn the raw value of it by my failure to heed it. I cried out when I felt the sting of my failure and now appealed to my Father for help. I immediately came to a definite point of heartfelt repentance and admitted my failure ... at least in this particular instance. By asking for His forgiveness, I was sure that I would now find relief from the resulting price of my failure that loomed over me. But as I walked with my head hung in desperate shame, constantly appealing for relief, I began to realize that I was about to learn many other things at the same time in more depth than than I could have foreseen. It was just like the loving heart of our Father to use one occasion, one situation that I had brought on myself, to teach me so many things that would prosper my heart. So of course there was more to come...
I'd worked very hard in my own heart to be forgiving of the customer that I'd previously felt used by in the previous chapter. When the young men that worked for me sought various ways to wreak vengeance on him, I made it clear to them that they were to continue to give only their best and that it was not their place to try to avenge me. Still, I felt spitefully used as I watched what I worked so hard to build in terms of my business begin to crumble in front of me and I had to be vigilant against the urging of the enemy to dwell on this man as someone who deserved to be punished and suffer the wrath of our Lord for his dealings with me. I felt, for reasons I couldn't explain at the time, that it wasn't my place to attempt to judge what was in his heart. I knew now what I could expect to see from him and took care to guard myself in further dealings I had with him when there was no other work available. I couldn't possibly know what was going on privately between him and our Father God. Only the Lord God Himself knew and I felt strongly in my heart, the need to be careful regarding what I thought about him. But I still didn't completely understand why.
It was on one fine morning sitting out on the covered deck behind our house some months later, as I sought the comfort of my Lord's presence ... that He let me have it right in my self absorbed perspective and set me straight. I was mulling over my situation for what seemed like the thousandth time when He asked me the questions that left me somewhat bewildered and laid my countenance low. "Child, what if it was my plan from long ago to use the gifts I have given you to bless this man and His family? And... what if the reason you suffer now, is because you failed to prepare according to my plan by living in obedience to what I instructed you long ago? Do you expect me to change my plans because you chose to be disobedient?" ... I was blown away. I hadn't even in my many musings, begun to consider this as the possible answer to my struggle. But here it was ... and of course it was the truth. I knew now that it wasn't this man's fault that I suffered, but mine. It was suddenly clear to me. It was the Lord's intentioned plan all along to bless this man for His own reasons and had I been faithful to His teachings, I would have been in much better financial position to allow our Lord to use me as He had planned. I was face to face with my own previous failure as the source of my current pain.
I'd worked hard for many years to deal with everyone fairly and out of a good heart both in my personal life and in business, so I felt certain that the Lord would bless me in my ventures. And He did, but I'd missed something along the way, or maybe I just didn't want to see it. I was in submission to our Father's teachings in some things, but had ignored others and thereby tied the hands that blessed me. The lessons He would teach me from this situation were very painful and consequently, will not be forgotten. Because of my choice to ignore the teachings He had provided me in my youth through the book of Proverbs, I was now paying dearly. I had been blessed as a young man to find great interest in the wisdom of this great book of His word and had read it repeatedly. I studied it in depth and had once stored away it's teachings in my heart. He'd provided it to me in part to keep me from the very situation I now faced and I was beginning to learn why. I'd lived my life at least in principle, by much of what He taught me from this book of wisdom, but had failed to faithfully observe His wisdom regarding my finances, ... or just plain ignored it because of a developing lust for material, perishing things.
Of course, looking back now, I can clearly see the wisdom of the Lord's teaching. But I had to learn the raw value of it by my failure to heed it. I cried out when I felt the sting of my failure and now appealed to my Father for help. I immediately came to a definite point of heartfelt repentance and admitted my failure ... at least in this particular instance. By asking for His forgiveness, I was sure that I would now find relief from the resulting price of my failure that loomed over me. But as I walked with my head hung in desperate shame, constantly appealing for relief, I began to realize that I was about to learn many other things at the same time in more depth than than I could have foreseen. It was just like the loving heart of our Father to use one occasion, one situation that I had brought on myself, to teach me so many things that would prosper my heart. So of course there was more to come...
Next, our Father continued and patiently pointed out that I had allowed this thing, this business, to become so important in my life that it became an offense to Him. As the business began to suffer, I had begun pouring my every waking minute into it. I began working from dark to dark seven days a week for months on end, without taking a day off. I gave it everything ... which left very little to offer either my Lord, or my family. I allowed it to take priority over Him, giving Him no time and He resented it along with the loss of my fellowship. It seemed like everything I could devise to begin to restore it somehow foundered. It wasn't for lack of experience or knowledge. I had been successfully at the forefront of other construction companies. I had been the general manager of a much larger company and an integral key part of other companies larger than this and helped grow them. I had honed my skills in most all of the related trades to a keen edge. So why??? ... now, I began to understand ... and now I began to be corrected. But my repentance would not become complete before I lost everything that I had brazenly held up to His offense.
***
Exodus 20:3-6 (NLT)
3 “You must not have any other god but me. 4 “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. 5 You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. 6 But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.
***
Indeed, without thinking about it or having any intention, I'd given the highest priority and devotion in my life to another...
When we were teetering on the brink of total financial collapse, I still stubbornly refused to give up and I determinedly managed to land "the job" that would set everything back upright. By now of course, I had still only partially acknowledged the error of my ways and was so relieved that "the Lord had given me an opportunity to recover." My wife and I were in shear financial panic mode by now. But I was still thinking about how to save the "things" we had managed to acquire and was congratulating "myself" silently for being so resourceful in keeping the company afloat and in landing this new project (as a follower of Christ, I'm hoping that you're seeing where this is going and why).
I was about three weeks into this new project and it was going well. I'd managed to keep my core crew together and had added a few new hands as well. I'd invested what meager borrowed resources I could scrounge together to start this job, but with some relief I was now beginning to think about how to organize our personal recovery and keep as much of our household and business equipment intact as possible. We'd starved everything we could starve budget wise in a painful effort to reach this next opportunity and everything was now hanging by a thread. But it looked like it was going to pay off much to the relief of our panicked minds. During the first couple of weeks the project was expanded considerably and I was beginning to settle in for the ride - still preoccupied by things other than "my purpose". But then, three weeks in ... it all collapsed.
The Lord was once again showing me grace. This project was very large. I had taken it on as a subcontractor under a pair of architect/developers that I'd worked with several times before. They were business friends, but also very much sticklers for detail which I didn't mind because I wasn't one to take short cuts. They were also very big sticklers when it came to contractual issues. I didn't mind this either since it tended to protect all parties when contracts were properly negotiated and my negotiating skills were very sharp - something I was proud of and had proven time and time again.
I was standing next to the pickup of one of these architects on a warm summer morning discussing the details of some new work that was being added to the project when I began to feel strange. I felt a growing weakness on the left side of my body and face. I staggered suddenly and tried to steady myself as I began to feel a little weaker. But within seconds the entire left side of my body went completely limp and I crumpled into a heap in the dust next to the man I had been speaking to. Before this I'd had no major health issues. I was 48 years old and had been as strong as an ox and was in very good health, so there was no warning or reason to expect anything that was suddenly happening so inexplicably. As I lay there helpless in the dirt completely unable to process what was happening to me, I heard my architect friend who I knew to be a Christian begin to pray over me as he waited for the 911 operator to pick up ...
As I lay crumpled on the ground in a pile on the construction site I was on, completely unable to control the entire left side of my body, my mind was racing. Our Lord blessed me in that a Christian brother was right there with me, praying and holding me while I lay there helpless in the dirt. But in this moment of human weakness and panic, in my mind I frantically cried out silently to my Father God “Papa God, why this too? Why this on top of all of the other things that are coming against me now. Why must I face this too?” He's taught me to know over a lifetime that He has reason and purpose in everything He allows in our lives so there had to be a purpose in this too. I didn't always see it that way and I wasn't seeing it at that moment. I still didn't understand that He's always looking at the far bigger picture for our good like any good parent would do and that the earthly things that we tend to focus on really don't have all that much meaning to Him. Nothing's impossible to Him and He could of course miraculously intervene at any moment. What matters most to Him is who we become and the character of our hearts and minds. Sometimes developing that ... can be a painful process.
I found out later that I was having not one, but three simultaneous small strokes caused by a heart defect that I had worked very hard all of my life with. It was something that I was completely unaware of, but it wasn't unknown to my Lord. As I lay on the gurney in the cold emergency room, my mind was racing with all of the "what ifs" and "whys?". My head felt like a giant was banging two boulders together with my head in between them and all of the muscles on the left side of my body were totally useless. I couldn't even communicate in any form without extreme effort and then only minimally. My biggest concern? - Why now? Just when I'm able to start pulling it all back together after so much worry and so much strain. Why now? This is it. Maybe just a little earlier than I expected, but this must be it ... it's my turn to go.
My pastor came to see me in the hospital room later while I was still trying to absorb everything and I shared a sudden realization with him. I realized that inexplicably all of the fear that I had about dying was gone and that I didn't have any fear for myself at all. I told him that "the only thing I'm worried about is my family". His response was another invitation to step up to a little more mature faith "do you mean to tell me that you trust God with yourself, but that you don't have faith to believe that same God would take care of your family?" Hmmm I thought ... he's right.
I think it was about the third day in the hospital when that same architect friend came to see me. The Lord was once again showing me grace and I was miraculously regaining much of the movement on my left side and the giant's boulders had shrunken to much smaller rocks. I was glad to see him and I thanked him for helping me and for his prayers. I was just about to tell him not to worry that I'd find a way to make sure the work was done according to our agreement without fail when he stopped me and was silent for a moment. I could tell that something was weighing heavily on him and he was searching hard for the right words.
I had a contract with them and one that I still stubbornly had every intention of honoring no matter what - even from a hospital bed if I had to. I had a capable and knowledgeable crew at my command. I couldn't imagine what was troubling him so much. Then he spilled it - I had a contract with them, but they had never signed a contract with the property owner. Knowing their obsessive legal tendencies, I'd never have imagined this. It turned out that their agreement was based on a handshake and the owner had changed his mind and decided to work with someone else to save money even though the job was already in progress. Another contractor, likely as desperate as we were, had offered to do the job for less money and was now taking over the project. It was all gone. My physical strength and endurance had now been turned to weakness, my years of business prowess, construction skill and expertise had failed despite all of my extreme effort ... and through this, once again ... the Lord was showing me grace.
***
Matthew 22:36-38 (NLT)
36 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” 37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment."
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He's told us in advance that He's a jealous God and made it clear that we shouldn't set anything above Him in priority. If we put too much emphasis on anything it becomes an idol and without even thinking about it, I had been spending far more effort and time on that company than I did on my relationship with Him. He didn't create me to love a company - He created me to love HIM. So He removed the offense from between us - not because He was mad at me, but because He's in love with me and delights in the man that He's teaching me to become ... just like any truly good father would.
***
Jeremiah 31:20 (NLT)
“Is not Israel still my son, my darling child?” says the LORD . “I often have to punish him, but I still love him. That’s why I long for him and surely will have mercy on him."
***
In just a very few minutes our God had reminded me inescapably just how weak and vulnerable I really am without Him. He quickly pointed out the truth that I have never done any good thing alone. He has always been my strength and the source of my provision ... and I wasn't giving Him any glory for it. At the same time, in the moments that I lay helpless and paralyzed, when I was certain that this was the end that I had known for years was coming early (and I would have readily agreed that it would not have been unjust), He failed my distorted perception of Him and proved once again how He much loves me by caring enough to correct me.
The rules for successful engagement with Him existed before any of us. Careful adherence to His fatherly instruction leads to peaceful, fulfilling and contented life. Consequences are something that WE choose by choosing not to follow His parental direction - much like parent/child relationship within the envelope of a good family...
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