The League Of Suffering Hearts

It's my humble observation that there's a needless, sad, but common theme that runs through conflicts that arise in a few of the marriages of those who claim to follow Christ ...

In a February 2014 Christianity Today article called "Marriage, Divorce, and the Church: What do the stats say, and can marriage be happy?" written by Ed Stetzer, he cites some interesting research by Harvard trained social researcher, popular speaker and best selling author Shaunti Feldhahn:

"In her newest book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Shanti compiles some stats and conducts some research of her own on marriage, and specifically, what makes for a happy marriage.

"Her statistical findings, and the implications of these findings, are fascinating.
Here are a couple of stats that I found to be particularly interesting as it relates to faith and marriage:
53% of Very Happy Couples agree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage" (compared to 7% of Struggling Couples).
30% of Struggling Couples disagree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage."
She writes, "Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness"

In the same article, he cites Dr. Bradford Wilcox as saying: ""Nominal" Christians, however, those who simply call themselves Christians but so not actively engage with the faith, are actually 20% more likely than the general population to get divorced—perhaps there is a link between putting on a show in the religious and relational context."

Toward the end of the article Ed offered the following advice and summation;

1.Marriage is worth the investment.
2.You have to invest in a marriage for it to be worth the investment.
3. Choosing your marriage partner is the most important human decision you will ever make.
4. Most fights are over stupid things that don't matter.
5. Most arguments are resolved when both people are more concerned with being in a relationship than with being right.
6. Sex is essential to a marriage relationship.
7. Practices (like date nights, long conversations, and trips together) make your marriage stronger.
8. Kids are awesome, but stress your marriage.
9. Never go to bed angry.
10. You need Jesus.

"Our sin supplants sacrifice with selfishness in our marriages.
Happy, strong marriages are definitely possible, but it takes work—an ongoing effort. We're all sinners who need a Savior, and when you put two sinners together in a relationship like marriage, it's bound to be difficult sometimes."

"Our sin supplants sacrifice with selfishness in our marriages. If we want to experience marriage as God created it to be, a reflection of his sacrificial love and leadership of the Church, we've got to keep him at the center of our marriages."

"Your spouse isn't your Savior, Jesus is. Live that truth and your marriage will more likely thrive."
***

It's a humble and time observed opinion of mine that most often, the issues that arise in those more heated moments of disagreement are really not the "issue" at all. They're merely the symptoms of a much more humbling root factor when considered in reflection by those who are truly making the effort to walk forward in the spirit of Christ.

The real problem at its root is most likely that somebody, maybe even both parties, failed to act in and reflect Jesus' spirit in their relationship to their marriage partner - and someone's left dissatisfied and unfulfilled as a result.

Admittedly, I've identified as the guilty party far more than once in more than 36 years of marriage so I'm not touting myself. After that much time you might think that perfection should have been achieved long ago. But the truth is that moment by moment and day by day, we make the conscious decisions that surround our lives while learning to deal with whatever remaining nature of the flesh may yet exist to influence those decisions. As in our spiritual walk as a whole, learning to emulate and present Christ in our sacred partnership with one of Father God's most precious and loved children is a continuing process of daily putting on the nature of Christ and a quest for spiritual maturity.

The truth is that there is nothing about Christ's spirit or character that is anything less than totally appealing and truly satisfying. His spirit, words and actions never generated righteous argument, disagreement or dissatisfaction. There's nothing repugnant or disagreeable about Him, except perhaps to the eyes of the self serving and self gratifying nature of the flesh.

Take a look;

Galations 5:16-26
16 "So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. 17 The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. 18 But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses. 19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. 22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. 25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. 26 Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another."

So if we as marriage partners were each to continually reflect Christ to our partner, could there be any grounds for argument or disagreement? By examining the life of Christ, we can see of course that He was selfless, merciful, compassionate, forgiving, humble, loving and the list goes on. So what if each of us truly put on His nature and reflected Him in our relationships to one another? What quarrel could there be then? Is He not truly and completely attractive in all aspects of His character? What more could any Christ following man or woman possibly desire in their partner?

Years ago I developed a personal theory that if each partner in a marriage put the needs of their partner ahead of their own and sought to fulfill the needs of the other, both would find their needs met and their interdependence would form an exclusive bond. Secularly, on its face it's not necessarily a bad theory as far as theories go. It's true ... except for one thing. That would mean that two incomplete human beings would necessarily have to attempt to complete each other. So it doesn't and can't work. Someone, if not both are going to find themselves disappointed.

Here's the math:
1 incomplete person + 1 incomplete person does not = 2 complete people ...

Here's a better equation:
(sinner + Jesus + sinner  = contentment) > (sinner + sinner = potential for chaos)

Here's why. We were created perfectly imperfect - we were in fact sovereignly created to be incomplete. We're made whole not by the joining together with another human being, but only by joining ourselves with our creator God. So if we present ourselves to our marriage partner without Christ, we present ourselves unfairly - bringing a void to the marriage table that our partner can't possibly and wasn't created to fill and also without bringing the presence of the one that in their hearts our partners need and desire to see the most.

There's a host of other things that a person might look to in the hope of satisfying that unfulfilled need we were created with and they have the potential to become a personal/marriage decaying trap. There's a whole system of material and sensually oriented commerce dedicated to promoting and helping them in their exploration and search. Some may even look to a marriage relationship itself as the answer only to find later that the gnawing ache still remains. Some may then blame the marriage for the remaining unsatisfied void because by itself it doesn't meet the unanswered need and rightly leaves them still unfulfilled. That's because there's only One who truly satisfies ...

The truth is of course that no one can take the place of the One that we were created to need the most - our Lord who created us for His own pleasure. In fact, anything and anyone that we put in priority above our God becomes a serious problem to the fulfillment of our purpose, our own completeness and can also become an object that arouses His jealousy. Even our marriage partner can become an idol if we place them in importance or value above our Lord in any way. We have been promised foremost to another and no one among us can become a substitute to take His place. If we allow anyone or anything to approach that threshold, ... we're headed for serious trouble.

2 Corinthians 11:2 (NLT)
"For I am jealous for you with the jealousy of God himself. I promised you as a pure bride to one husband—Christ."

 ... and we've been warned:

Deuteronomy 5:9 (NLT)
9 "You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods."

Pretending to make things right doesn't make it real. Understanding that we are not complete - any of us, without continual personal and intimate relationship with our God, it's impossible for us to present ourselves to our partner as a whole person capable of participating in a contenting and fulfilling relationship without Him. And further still, it's impossible in truth to have a complete marriage relationship without Him being at the top center of that relationship. Having been sovereignly created to please and also to desire our creator, it's natural for us to have a need to see Him in our marriages and in our marriage partner. It's something we were created to naturally desire whether we've recognized it or not. If either party is not continually acting and walking in Christ's spirit in the marriage relationship, someone is likely going to suffer - whether it's discussed or not. The likelihood is that both partners may actually suffer from the unfulfilled need to witness Christ's spirit in their midst, but also from words, actions and attitudes that would never be found in Him. No matter how the unfulfilled receiving partner may try to put a smiley face on it for now, they may eventually be tempted to allow it to show itself in one way or another.

Your marriage partner is a king or queen in the court of the Most High God - a dearest child of His own heart, needing and desiring to see Christs loving and selfless humility through you. As one who is endeavoring to follow Christ, if you're not truly putting Christ first in your life and in the center of your marriage while reflecting Him in your relationship, you may be forcing your partner to become an involuntary member of the League Of Suffering Hearts. Will He not notice? You know the answer...